I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
