He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
