I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
