It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
cat food counts as protein by the way
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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