wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
