rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
