I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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