so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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