he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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