either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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