this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
