he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
