he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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