i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
