this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
