nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
