It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Randomize
