I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
