If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
