he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
