Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
