We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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