i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
