he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
