Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
