Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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