In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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