if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
