first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
