Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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