my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
