Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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