Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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