If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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