We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
