i love accidental penises.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
