I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
