I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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