So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's blow job season.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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