Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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