I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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