I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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