I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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