shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
