i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
