Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
