I wish my penis had an off switch
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
