Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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