Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
