that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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