So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
