I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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