I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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