Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
