I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
