Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
