life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
